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a general apology
Jan. 20th, 2009 | 04:22 am
since i have moved my personal blogging off this board, but it is more than likely being 'monitored' anyway, i will place this post here as well.
i was recently told by a friend of mine that she had found an item of mine (specifically, my brother's gun) in her house, after assuring me it was not there, and even allowing me to look some weeks prior. foolishly, i accused someone of taking it in the confusion following a move, and without any evidence other than hearsay that they could have. i was incorrect in my accusation, and withdraw the suspicion i cast in the wrong direction.
i was recently told by a friend of mine that she had found an item of mine (specifically, my brother's gun) in her house, after assuring me it was not there, and even allowing me to look some weeks prior. foolishly, i accused someone of taking it in the confusion following a move, and without any evidence other than hearsay that they could have. i was incorrect in my accusation, and withdraw the suspicion i cast in the wrong direction.
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resources
Jan. 18th, 2009 | 03:29 am
introspection-- Self-observation; examination of one's feelings, often as a result of psychotherapy.
counterphobia-- Deliberately seeking out and exposing onself to, rather than avoiding, the object or situation that is consciously or unconsciously feared.
disorientation-- Confusion about the time of day, date, or season (time), where one is (place), or who one is (person).
masochism-- Pleasure derived from physical or psychological pain inflicted on oneself either by oneself or by others. It is called sexual masochism and classified as a paraphilia when it is consciously sought as a part of the sexual act or as a prerequisite to sexual gratification. It is the converse of sadism, although the two tend to coexist in the same person.
formal thought disorder-- An inexact term referring to a disturbance in the form of thinking rather than to abnormality of content. See blocking; loosening of associations; poverty of speech.
extinction-- The weakening of a reinforced operant response as a result of ceasing reinforcement. See also operant conditioning. Also, the elimination of a conditioned response by repeated presentations of a conditioned stimulus without the unconditioned stimulus. See also respondent conditioning.
fragmentation-- Separation into different parts, or preventing their integration, or detaching one or more parts from the rest. A fear of fragmentation of the personality, also known as disintegration anxiety, is often observed in patients whenever they are exposed to repetitions of earlier experiences that interfered with development of the self. This fear may be expressed as feelings of falling apart, as a loss of identity, or as a fear of impending loss of one's vitality and of psychological depletion.
denial-- A defense mechanism where certain information is not accessed by the conscious mind. Denial is related to repression, a similar defense mechanism, but denial is more pronounced or intense. Denial involves some impairment of reality. Denial would be operating (as an example) if a cardiac patient who has been warned about the potential fatal outcome of engaging in heavy work, decides to start building a wall of heavy stones.
derailment ("loosening of associations") A pattern of speech in which a person's ideas slip off one track onto another that is completely unrelated or only obliquely related. In moving from one sentence or clause to another, the person shifts the topic idiosyncratically from one frame of reference to another and things may be said in juxtaposition that lack a meaningful relationship. This disturbance occurs between clauses, in contrast to incoherence, in which the disturbance is within clauses. An occasional change of topic without warning or obvious connection does not constitute derailment.
hedonism-- Pleasure-seeking behavior. Contrast with anhedonia.
defense mechanism-- Automatic psychological process that protects the individual against anxiety and from awareness of internal or external stressors or dangers. Defense mechanisms mediate the individual's reaction to emotional conflicts and to external stressors. Some defense mechanisms (e.g., projection, splitting, and acting out) are almost invariably maladaptive. Others, such as suppression and denial, may be either maladaptive or adaptive, depending on their severity, their inflexibility, and the context in which they occur.
blocking-- A sudden obstruction or interruption in spontaneous flow of thinking or speaking, perceived as an absence or deprivation of thought.
catatonic behavior-- Marked motor abnormalities including motoric immobility (i.e., catalepsy or stupor), certain types of excessive motor activity (apparently purposeless agitation not influenced by external stimuli), extreme negativism (apparent motiveless resistance to instructions or attempts to be moved) or mutism, posturing or stereotyped movements, and echolalia or echopraxia
beta-blocker-- An agent that inhibits the action of beta-adrenergic receptors, which modulate cardiac functions, respiratory functions, and the dilation of blood vessels. Beta-blockers are of value in the treatment of hypertension, cardiac arrhythmias, and migraine. In psychiatry, they have been used in the treatment of aggression and violence, anxiety-related tremors and lithium-induced tremors, neuroleptic-induced akathisia, social phobias, panic states, and alcohol withdrawal.
delusion-- A false belief based on incorrect inference about external reality that is firmly sustained despite what almost everyone else believes and despite what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious proof or evidence to the contrary. The belief is not one ordinarily accepted by other members of the person's culture or subculture (e.g., it is not an article of religious faith). When a false belief involves a value judgment, it is regarded as a delusion only when the judgment is so extreme as to defy credibility. Delusional conviction occurs on a continuum and can sometimes be inferred from an individual's behavior. It is often difficult to distinguish between a delusion and an overvalued idea (in which case the individual has an unreasonable belief or idea but does not hold it as firmly as is the case with a delusion). Delusions are subdivided according to their content. Some of the more common types are: bizarre; delusional jealousy; grandiose; delusion of reference; persecutory; somatic; thought broadcasting; thought insertion.
abreaction-- An emotional release or discharge after recalling a painful experience that has been repressed because it was not consciously tolerable. Often the release is surprising to the individual experiencing it because of it's intensity and the circumstances surrounding its onset. A therapeutic effect sometimes occurs through partial or repeated discharge of the painful affect.
mood-congruent psychotic features-- Delusions or hallucinations whose content is entirely consistent with the typical themes of a depressed or manic mood. If the mood is depressed, the content of the delusions or hallucinations would involve themes of personal inadequacy, guilt, disease, death, nihilism, or deserved punishment. The content of the delusion may include themes of persecution if these are based on self-derogatory~ concepts such as deserved punishment. If the mood is manic, the content of the delusions or hallucinations would involve themes of inflated worth, power, knowledge, or identity, or a special relationship to a deity or a famous person. The content of the delusion may include themes of persecution if these are based on concepts such as inflated worth or deserved punishment.
Paranoia is a thought process characterized by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs concerning a perceived threat towards oneself. In the original Greek, παράνοια (paranoia) simply means madness (para = outside; nous = mind). Historically, this characterization was used to describe any delusional state.
memory consolidation-- The physical and psychological changes that take place as the brain organizes and restructures information that may become a permanent part of memory.
screen memory-- A consciously tolerable memory that serves as a cover for an associated memory that would be emotionally painful if recalled.
panic attacks-- Discrete periods of sudden onset of intense apprehension, fearfulness, or terror, often associated with feelings of impending doom. During these attacks there are symptoms such as shortness of breath or smothering sensations; palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate; chest pain or discomfort; choking; and fear of going crazy or losing control. Panic attacks may be unexpected (uncued), in which the onset of the attack is not associated with a situational trigger and instead occurs "out of the blue"; situationally bound, in which the panic attack almost invariably occurs immediately on exposure to, or in anticipation of, a situational trigger ("cue"); and situationally predisposed, in which the panic attack is more likely to occur on exposure to a situational trigger but is not invariably associated with it.
integration-- The useful organization and incorporation of both new and old data, experience, and emotional capacities into the personality. Also refers to the organization and amalgamation of functions at various levels of psychosexual development.
intellectualization-- A mental mechanism in which the person engages in excessive abstract thinking to avoid confrontation with conflicts or disturbing feelings.
idealization-- A mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities to the self or others.
Sexual addiction is a controversial term used to describe a phenomenon in which individuals report being unable to manage their sexual urges. While the condition, sometimes referred to as "sexual dependency" or "sexual compulsivity" is not universally accepted by sex researchers and there is some debate about the etiology, nature and validity, proponents of the idea have offered definitions of sexual addiction modeled after common definitions of substance addictions, and more recently, process addictions such as out-of-control gambling. Skeptics believe that sex addiction is a myth, a by-product of cultural and other influences.
5-HIAA (5-hydroxyindoleacetic acid) A major metabolite of serotonin, a biogenic amine found in the brain and other organs. Functional deficits of serotonin in the central nervous system have been implicated in certain types of major mood disorders, and particularly in suicide and impulsivity.
and the most upsetting:
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), as defined by the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a condition in which a single person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities (known as alter egos or alters), each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. The diagnosis requires that at least two personalities routinely take control of the individual's behavior with an associated memory loss that goes beyond normal forgetfulness; in addition, symptoms cannot be due to substance abuse or medical condition. Earlier versions of the DSM named the condition multiple personality disorder (MPD), and the term is still used by the ICD-10.
counterphobia-- Deliberately seeking out and exposing onself to, rather than avoiding, the object or situation that is consciously or unconsciously feared.
disorientation-- Confusion about the time of day, date, or season (time), where one is (place), or who one is (person).
masochism-- Pleasure derived from physical or psychological pain inflicted on oneself either by oneself or by others. It is called sexual masochism and classified as a paraphilia when it is consciously sought as a part of the sexual act or as a prerequisite to sexual gratification. It is the converse of sadism, although the two tend to coexist in the same person.
formal thought disorder-- An inexact term referring to a disturbance in the form of thinking rather than to abnormality of content. See blocking; loosening of associations; poverty of speech.
extinction-- The weakening of a reinforced operant response as a result of ceasing reinforcement. See also operant conditioning. Also, the elimination of a conditioned response by repeated presentations of a conditioned stimulus without the unconditioned stimulus. See also respondent conditioning.
fragmentation-- Separation into different parts, or preventing their integration, or detaching one or more parts from the rest. A fear of fragmentation of the personality, also known as disintegration anxiety, is often observed in patients whenever they are exposed to repetitions of earlier experiences that interfered with development of the self. This fear may be expressed as feelings of falling apart, as a loss of identity, or as a fear of impending loss of one's vitality and of psychological depletion.
denial-- A defense mechanism where certain information is not accessed by the conscious mind. Denial is related to repression, a similar defense mechanism, but denial is more pronounced or intense. Denial involves some impairment of reality. Denial would be operating (as an example) if a cardiac patient who has been warned about the potential fatal outcome of engaging in heavy work, decides to start building a wall of heavy stones.
derailment ("loosening of associations") A pattern of speech in which a person's ideas slip off one track onto another that is completely unrelated or only obliquely related. In moving from one sentence or clause to another, the person shifts the topic idiosyncratically from one frame of reference to another and things may be said in juxtaposition that lack a meaningful relationship. This disturbance occurs between clauses, in contrast to incoherence, in which the disturbance is within clauses. An occasional change of topic without warning or obvious connection does not constitute derailment.
hedonism-- Pleasure-seeking behavior. Contrast with anhedonia.
defense mechanism-- Automatic psychological process that protects the individual against anxiety and from awareness of internal or external stressors or dangers. Defense mechanisms mediate the individual's reaction to emotional conflicts and to external stressors. Some defense mechanisms (e.g., projection, splitting, and acting out) are almost invariably maladaptive. Others, such as suppression and denial, may be either maladaptive or adaptive, depending on their severity, their inflexibility, and the context in which they occur.
blocking-- A sudden obstruction or interruption in spontaneous flow of thinking or speaking, perceived as an absence or deprivation of thought.
catatonic behavior-- Marked motor abnormalities including motoric immobility (i.e., catalepsy or stupor), certain types of excessive motor activity (apparently purposeless agitation not influenced by external stimuli), extreme negativism (apparent motiveless resistance to instructions or attempts to be moved) or mutism, posturing or stereotyped movements, and echolalia or echopraxia
beta-blocker-- An agent that inhibits the action of beta-adrenergic receptors, which modulate cardiac functions, respiratory functions, and the dilation of blood vessels. Beta-blockers are of value in the treatment of hypertension, cardiac arrhythmias, and migraine. In psychiatry, they have been used in the treatment of aggression and violence, anxiety-related tremors and lithium-induced tremors, neuroleptic-induced akathisia, social phobias, panic states, and alcohol withdrawal.
delusion-- A false belief based on incorrect inference about external reality that is firmly sustained despite what almost everyone else believes and despite what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious proof or evidence to the contrary. The belief is not one ordinarily accepted by other members of the person's culture or subculture (e.g., it is not an article of religious faith). When a false belief involves a value judgment, it is regarded as a delusion only when the judgment is so extreme as to defy credibility. Delusional conviction occurs on a continuum and can sometimes be inferred from an individual's behavior. It is often difficult to distinguish between a delusion and an overvalued idea (in which case the individual has an unreasonable belief or idea but does not hold it as firmly as is the case with a delusion). Delusions are subdivided according to their content. Some of the more common types are: bizarre; delusional jealousy; grandiose; delusion of reference; persecutory; somatic; thought broadcasting; thought insertion.
abreaction-- An emotional release or discharge after recalling a painful experience that has been repressed because it was not consciously tolerable. Often the release is surprising to the individual experiencing it because of it's intensity and the circumstances surrounding its onset. A therapeutic effect sometimes occurs through partial or repeated discharge of the painful affect.
mood-congruent psychotic features-- Delusions or hallucinations whose content is entirely consistent with the typical themes of a depressed or manic mood. If the mood is depressed, the content of the delusions or hallucinations would involve themes of personal inadequacy, guilt, disease, death, nihilism, or deserved punishment. The content of the delusion may include themes of persecution if these are based on self-derogatory~ concepts such as deserved punishment. If the mood is manic, the content of the delusions or hallucinations would involve themes of inflated worth, power, knowledge, or identity, or a special relationship to a deity or a famous person. The content of the delusion may include themes of persecution if these are based on concepts such as inflated worth or deserved punishment.
Paranoia is a thought process characterized by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs concerning a perceived threat towards oneself. In the original Greek, παράνοια (paranoia) simply means madness (para = outside; nous = mind). Historically, this characterization was used to describe any delusional state.
memory consolidation-- The physical and psychological changes that take place as the brain organizes and restructures information that may become a permanent part of memory.
screen memory-- A consciously tolerable memory that serves as a cover for an associated memory that would be emotionally painful if recalled.
panic attacks-- Discrete periods of sudden onset of intense apprehension, fearfulness, or terror, often associated with feelings of impending doom. During these attacks there are symptoms such as shortness of breath or smothering sensations; palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate; chest pain or discomfort; choking; and fear of going crazy or losing control. Panic attacks may be unexpected (uncued), in which the onset of the attack is not associated with a situational trigger and instead occurs "out of the blue"; situationally bound, in which the panic attack almost invariably occurs immediately on exposure to, or in anticipation of, a situational trigger ("cue"); and situationally predisposed, in which the panic attack is more likely to occur on exposure to a situational trigger but is not invariably associated with it.
integration-- The useful organization and incorporation of both new and old data, experience, and emotional capacities into the personality. Also refers to the organization and amalgamation of functions at various levels of psychosexual development.
intellectualization-- A mental mechanism in which the person engages in excessive abstract thinking to avoid confrontation with conflicts or disturbing feelings.
idealization-- A mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities to the self or others.
Sexual addiction is a controversial term used to describe a phenomenon in which individuals report being unable to manage their sexual urges. While the condition, sometimes referred to as "sexual dependency" or "sexual compulsivity" is not universally accepted by sex researchers and there is some debate about the etiology, nature and validity, proponents of the idea have offered definitions of sexual addiction modeled after common definitions of substance addictions, and more recently, process addictions such as out-of-control gambling. Skeptics believe that sex addiction is a myth, a by-product of cultural and other influences.
5-HIAA (5-hydroxyindoleacetic acid) A major metabolite of serotonin, a biogenic amine found in the brain and other organs. Functional deficits of serotonin in the central nervous system have been implicated in certain types of major mood disorders, and particularly in suicide and impulsivity.
and the most upsetting:
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), as defined by the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a condition in which a single person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities (known as alter egos or alters), each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. The diagnosis requires that at least two personalities routinely take control of the individual's behavior with an associated memory loss that goes beyond normal forgetfulness; in addition, symptoms cannot be due to substance abuse or medical condition. Earlier versions of the DSM named the condition multiple personality disorder (MPD), and the term is still used by the ICD-10.
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i missed runescape
Jan. 4th, 2009 | 01:17 am
a lot. they have updated the hell out of that game, also. i spent tonight chasing falling stars and bucking my mining points. it's been so long since i played; bad memories/associations, you know....but it is so unlike the game i played in a coma of unhappiness two years ago that it's almost a whole different game.
i never did play any of the more impressive online games, for one because i'm not enough of a moron to pay what you have to pay monthly, but also because i liked the java thing with runescape, you just click on it and you're playing. no cd's or whatever, nothing to BUY.
i miss being able to sleep, but it is nice to know the internet is here, to eat up the hours of my life that i could be spending sleeping. if i'd agree to medicate i could be asleep right now. yeah, and fuck that.
i miss my girl. i hate it when they give her an early night and i can either drive to goddamn atlanta to get her, or she can sleep till her ride brings her. goddamn healthcare, anyway.
i never did play any of the more impressive online games, for one because i'm not enough of a moron to pay what you have to pay monthly, but also because i liked the java thing with runescape, you just click on it and you're playing. no cd's or whatever, nothing to BUY.
i miss being able to sleep, but it is nice to know the internet is here, to eat up the hours of my life that i could be spending sleeping. if i'd agree to medicate i could be asleep right now. yeah, and fuck that.
i miss my girl. i hate it when they give her an early night and i can either drive to goddamn atlanta to get her, or she can sleep till her ride brings her. goddamn healthcare, anyway.
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weird
Jan. 2nd, 2009 | 06:52 pm
seems i got caught with a bot that instant messages someone with the wrong screen name when you post to livejournal. 'coho' or something, the thing is called; learnt about it on the amazing world of wikipedia. weird how prone the internet is to fuckery.
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happy new year, finally.
Dec. 31st, 2008 | 05:24 pm
'write a little every day' my ass, btw. : )
i'm so glad this year is over. i've made a good end to what started out as a bad beginning, and neither of them i had a really great hand in, although the good end i could consider more my doing than the other.
next year's going to be better. i wonder if people say that every year. everyone i know seems to have had a pretty not-so-good year themselves, however, and they seem to be trying to get shed of it. maybe that's why everyone said it was a 'weird' christmas.
i'm so glad this year is over. i've made a good end to what started out as a bad beginning, and neither of them i had a really great hand in, although the good end i could consider more my doing than the other.
next year's going to be better. i wonder if people say that every year. everyone i know seems to have had a pretty not-so-good year themselves, however, and they seem to be trying to get shed of it. maybe that's why everyone said it was a 'weird' christmas.
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xmas stuff list
Dec. 28th, 2008 | 03:45 pm
i have no idea what to 'write a little every day' so here is some of what i got for christmas:
suzy and i got each other a meat smoker. mom used to have one, i love them, and it's just insanity not to own one, especially as much as we cook. i'm really starting to love to cook.
suzy was sneaky and ignored my request for the smoker to be it and with help from casey who knows my mind like no other, got me a copy of the new hardback tank girl book by hewlett and martin, as tank girl should be written about, and not that new guy who can't draw the darn comic right. awesome gift, i love books and i love her.
my folks gave me a home depot card and gift certificate. holy hell they did good this year. i brought them some of the rocks i dug with dee because daddy made me promise not to spend money of any kind on them this year, and he was kind of shirty about it, too, so i actually listened. they really liked the rocks though and wanted to hear all about how they are formed and found and so on. god i love my parents. oh, and i learned daddy has a pacemaker. i fussed at them for not telling me that, i cannot handle my dad being sick.
my friend jessica brought me an amethyst cluster from las vegas. i think it's amethyst, anyway. no, it's something different. dee told me but i forgot. anyways it is cool because i wasnt expecting anything from jess. i love jess; she is great.
casey gave me the entire series of ab-fab, including specials, on dvd. i love that boy.
that's pretty much the physical stuff. we gave the boy a sword and some stuff and candy we could mail him (and the damn ups store put suzy's ex's name on the package, that was weird for all involved) and we gave kitten some trinkets and all, and tiger got a gun case for his big guns cause he didn't have one (and the baby and all) but the big present for the kids is of course help with their house.
everyone has said what a weird christmas this has been and felt like. like, everyone. it's true; it didn't feel like christmas. like, we all had a good time, but it just didn't feel 'christmasy.'
suzy and i got each other a meat smoker. mom used to have one, i love them, and it's just insanity not to own one, especially as much as we cook. i'm really starting to love to cook.
suzy was sneaky and ignored my request for the smoker to be it and with help from casey who knows my mind like no other, got me a copy of the new hardback tank girl book by hewlett and martin, as tank girl should be written about, and not that new guy who can't draw the darn comic right. awesome gift, i love books and i love her.
my folks gave me a home depot card and gift certificate. holy hell they did good this year. i brought them some of the rocks i dug with dee because daddy made me promise not to spend money of any kind on them this year, and he was kind of shirty about it, too, so i actually listened. they really liked the rocks though and wanted to hear all about how they are formed and found and so on. god i love my parents. oh, and i learned daddy has a pacemaker. i fussed at them for not telling me that, i cannot handle my dad being sick.
my friend jessica brought me an amethyst cluster from las vegas. i think it's amethyst, anyway. no, it's something different. dee told me but i forgot. anyways it is cool because i wasnt expecting anything from jess. i love jess; she is great.
casey gave me the entire series of ab-fab, including specials, on dvd. i love that boy.
that's pretty much the physical stuff. we gave the boy a sword and some stuff and candy we could mail him (and the damn ups store put suzy's ex's name on the package, that was weird for all involved) and we gave kitten some trinkets and all, and tiger got a gun case for his big guns cause he didn't have one (and the baby and all) but the big present for the kids is of course help with their house.
everyone has said what a weird christmas this has been and felt like. like, everyone. it's true; it didn't feel like christmas. like, we all had a good time, but it just didn't feel 'christmasy.'
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quotes
Dec. 27th, 2008 | 06:41 pm
everyone who knows me knows i love quotes. i happened to stumble across these while i was curiously swinging by the aol boards, or what is left of them (they are starting to bear resemblance to some of my old relationships), and found a post by an ex-nemesis with whom i used to flame gleefully. they struck me as relevant:
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
(Winston Churchill)
Human kind ... cannot bear very much reality (T.S. Elliot)
And isn't it a bad thing to be deceived about the truth, and a good thing to know what the truth is? For I assume that by knowing the truth you mean knowing things as they really are. (Plato)
The philosopher is in love with truth, that is, not with the changing world of sensation, which is the object of opinion, but with the unchanging reality which is the object of knowledge. (Plato)
Truthfulness. He will never willingly tolerate an untruth, but will hate it as much as he loves truth... And is there anything more closely connected with wisdom than truth? (Plato)
Then may we not fairly plead in reply that our true lover of knowledge naturally strives for truth, and is not content with common opinion, but soars with undimmed and unwearied passion till he grasps the essential nature of things with the mental faculty fitted to do so, that is, with the faculty which is akin to reality, and which approaches and unites with it, and begets intelligence and truth as children, and is only released from travail when it has thus reached knowledge and true life and satisfaction? (Plato)
What is at issue is the conversion of the mind from the twilight of error to the truth, that climb up into the real world which we shall call true philosophy. (Plato)
The object of knowledge is what exists and its function to know about reality. (Plato)
And those whose hearts are fixed on Reality itself deserve the title of Philosophers. (Plato)
When the mind's eye rests on objects illuminated by truth and reality, it understands and comprehends them, and functions intelligently; but when it turns to the twilight world of change and decay, it can only form opinions, its vision is confused and its beliefs shifting, and it seems to lack intelligence. (Plato)
One trait in the philosopher's character we can assume is his love of the knowledge that reveals eternal reality, the realm unaffected by change and decay. He is in love with the whole of that reality, and will not willingly be deprived even of the most insignificant fragment of it - just like the lovers and men of ambition we described earlier on. (Plato)
Modern definitions of truth, such as those as pragmatism and instrumentalism, which are practical rather than contemplative, are inspired by industrialisation as opposed to aristocracy. (Bertrand Russell)
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
(Winston Churchill)
Human kind ... cannot bear very much reality (T.S. Elliot)
And isn't it a bad thing to be deceived about the truth, and a good thing to know what the truth is? For I assume that by knowing the truth you mean knowing things as they really are. (Plato)
The philosopher is in love with truth, that is, not with the changing world of sensation, which is the object of opinion, but with the unchanging reality which is the object of knowledge. (Plato)
Truthfulness. He will never willingly tolerate an untruth, but will hate it as much as he loves truth... And is there anything more closely connected with wisdom than truth? (Plato)
Then may we not fairly plead in reply that our true lover of knowledge naturally strives for truth, and is not content with common opinion, but soars with undimmed and unwearied passion till he grasps the essential nature of things with the mental faculty fitted to do so, that is, with the faculty which is akin to reality, and which approaches and unites with it, and begets intelligence and truth as children, and is only released from travail when it has thus reached knowledge and true life and satisfaction? (Plato)
What is at issue is the conversion of the mind from the twilight of error to the truth, that climb up into the real world which we shall call true philosophy. (Plato)
The object of knowledge is what exists and its function to know about reality. (Plato)
And those whose hearts are fixed on Reality itself deserve the title of Philosophers. (Plato)
When the mind's eye rests on objects illuminated by truth and reality, it understands and comprehends them, and functions intelligently; but when it turns to the twilight world of change and decay, it can only form opinions, its vision is confused and its beliefs shifting, and it seems to lack intelligence. (Plato)
One trait in the philosopher's character we can assume is his love of the knowledge that reveals eternal reality, the realm unaffected by change and decay. He is in love with the whole of that reality, and will not willingly be deprived even of the most insignificant fragment of it - just like the lovers and men of ambition we described earlier on. (Plato)
Modern definitions of truth, such as those as pragmatism and instrumentalism, which are practical rather than contemplative, are inspired by industrialisation as opposed to aristocracy. (Bertrand Russell)
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stalked
Dec. 27th, 2008 | 05:14 pm
up until yesterday i was pretty much assured that my ex was leaving me alone and could give a rat's ass what i typed in my journal, or myspace, etc. funnily, i seem to be a constant topic of paranoia and angst in her house right now. it's like there is a constant spectre of ag standing over the bed like a canopy of doom or something.
i don't know whether to be amused or saddened by that.
it makes me mad to be misinterpreted, to be sure. no one likes that. but what's truly irritating is not only the doublespeak to friends, trying to undermine by rearranging my words, but the refusal that i had any emotions whatsoever in all this. one of the most painful, difficult times in my life i ever dealt with (and came through better than i ever have from such pain) and it is treated like i made it all up and contrived every last second of it. THAT is the hardest thing to swallow there is.
to hear my friends' surprise at tor's leaving, and their astonishment at her leaving with jennifer, was reassuring, because i was starting to doubt whether or not i was losing my fucking mind. when i add they were trying to skim commission off my tattoos, that's met with laughter and the sort of typicality one has come to expect when a golddigger is mentioned. i know now i wasn't losing my mind; i was reacting normally to a fucked-up situation. ms. shrink put it best; 'if it can be proved by them you already knew, your sadness is thereby rendered moot.' in other words, she meant, stop looking for either of them to understand what they have done. in all honesty, she said, they already know....they just don't want everyone else to know.
what i don't understand is the necessity of 'everyone else.' why fight with me on a mesage board instead of maning up and fighting face to face? i talked to a few people following the exodus, because i'd never spoken except in passing with anyone who had known tor longer than me. they explained it best: this is her pattern. next, she will try to discredit and prove you are stalking her and trying to kill and undermine her. commme ca. but i never brought 'everyone else' into the equation, personally. it just hurt too much.
so, fuck it. i learned relaxation excercises. i learnt a little bit of yoga, even. i learnt to deal with what i did to cause a chain of events--and more importantly, what i DIDN'T do. i sent my 'good' ex into rehab, and allowed her my forgiveness and compassion--from a distance. i was doing pretty well until i was handed a file on me. things then became very clear indeed...it wasn't enough to leave and be separate....i was also needing to be punished, discredited, driven away. obviously this was not going to stop until i had lost everything i had built for myself, and anyone who would speak to me. of course, i wondered first, what could i have done to two people that they went after me like this?
i liked it better when i didn't know tor was reading my lj.
ms. shrink to the rescue again. i considered giving up this blog, since it is hard to tell the truth about oneself when one knows one is being read by people who hate one and plot one's downfall. similar to a message board where one's ex sits in judgement of everything one says. but--i'm stronger than that. obviously if i weren't, the tables would be reversed.....*I* would be the one up in *THEIR* email, etc. so, i will continue this exercise until they get bored and finally decide to focus on one another instead of me. : )
i don't know whether to be amused or saddened by that.
it makes me mad to be misinterpreted, to be sure. no one likes that. but what's truly irritating is not only the doublespeak to friends, trying to undermine by rearranging my words, but the refusal that i had any emotions whatsoever in all this. one of the most painful, difficult times in my life i ever dealt with (and came through better than i ever have from such pain) and it is treated like i made it all up and contrived every last second of it. THAT is the hardest thing to swallow there is.
to hear my friends' surprise at tor's leaving, and their astonishment at her leaving with jennifer, was reassuring, because i was starting to doubt whether or not i was losing my fucking mind. when i add they were trying to skim commission off my tattoos, that's met with laughter and the sort of typicality one has come to expect when a golddigger is mentioned. i know now i wasn't losing my mind; i was reacting normally to a fucked-up situation. ms. shrink put it best; 'if it can be proved by them you already knew, your sadness is thereby rendered moot.' in other words, she meant, stop looking for either of them to understand what they have done. in all honesty, she said, they already know....they just don't want everyone else to know.
what i don't understand is the necessity of 'everyone else.' why fight with me on a mesage board instead of maning up and fighting face to face? i talked to a few people following the exodus, because i'd never spoken except in passing with anyone who had known tor longer than me. they explained it best: this is her pattern. next, she will try to discredit and prove you are stalking her and trying to kill and undermine her. commme ca. but i never brought 'everyone else' into the equation, personally. it just hurt too much.
so, fuck it. i learned relaxation excercises. i learnt a little bit of yoga, even. i learnt to deal with what i did to cause a chain of events--and more importantly, what i DIDN'T do. i sent my 'good' ex into rehab, and allowed her my forgiveness and compassion--from a distance. i was doing pretty well until i was handed a file on me. things then became very clear indeed...it wasn't enough to leave and be separate....i was also needing to be punished, discredited, driven away. obviously this was not going to stop until i had lost everything i had built for myself, and anyone who would speak to me. of course, i wondered first, what could i have done to two people that they went after me like this?
i liked it better when i didn't know tor was reading my lj.
ms. shrink to the rescue again. i considered giving up this blog, since it is hard to tell the truth about oneself when one knows one is being read by people who hate one and plot one's downfall. similar to a message board where one's ex sits in judgement of everything one says. but--i'm stronger than that. obviously if i weren't, the tables would be reversed.....*I* would be the one up in *THEIR* email, etc. so, i will continue this exercise until they get bored and finally decide to focus on one another instead of me. : )
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getting back to life
Dec. 26th, 2008 | 06:37 pm
dropping baggage still, i guess. i thought of switching mediums for this thing, too, but i can't figure out how to take the past posts with me and i like livejournal.
i'll probably miss posting, hell i know i will, but the people i like on the board i can communicate with in other forums, and the people who want to fight can read what i have to say here and make fun of it and congratulate themselves for having much better lives and psyches than i do. everybody wins.
bottom line? i'm tired of being hostile and inviting hostility. it's for lack of trying on my part to hash this out. i didn't make things turn out this way, but i won't fail to react to hostility, smugness, or doublespeak. an impasse is an impasse.
i'll probably miss posting, hell i know i will, but the people i like on the board i can communicate with in other forums, and the people who want to fight can read what i have to say here and make fun of it and congratulate themselves for having much better lives and psyches than i do. everybody wins.
bottom line? i'm tired of being hostile and inviting hostility. it's for lack of trying on my part to hash this out. i didn't make things turn out this way, but i won't fail to react to hostility, smugness, or doublespeak. an impasse is an impasse.
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christmas eve will find me
Dec. 24th, 2008 | 05:33 pm
mood: hot
music: red rubber ball/cyrcle
whether i want it to or not. my rare gem (the real one, not the 'diamelles' of the past) has to work, so i spend time dancing with myself. if i had the chance, i probably wouldn't ask the world to join me, though.
so, i'm wrapping presents and introspecting. it's either that or drawl comics about a shape-shifting robot on the run from the evil scientists who created it. who am i fooling? i'd be drawling wolves and bunnies instead.
i've come to accept some things, psyche-wise i mean, that i previously didn't think were mine, because they were either linked with an ex or made in order to please an ex, or just from a time in my life that i felt belonged to an ex. like the overwhelming recurrence of wolves and wolf imagery in my life. what in the hell? the worst business partner i ever had was 'wolfman' to all and sundry. the second worst owned a wolf. the worst, most abusive breakup i ever had was at the hands of someone who thought they were a wolf (with help from someone who delights in hurting others), or at least identified with one to the point of escapism. my current girlfriend's ex bought her so much wolf stuff that we had enough for a yard sale if there were anyone willing to buy anything that goddamn tacky. i was surprised the day she got up out of the blue and started taking down wolf stuff off the wall. i thought she loved all that stuff, i had no idea it was a persona her ex had forced on her, much like the ones i'd had forced on me by many of mine.
i'm learning to let go of the anger from the summer, and the hurt at the base unfairness of being placed in the position of being a jerk when i havent been one (when, in fact, all i ever asked for was to be listened to and respected enough to be kept in the goddamn loop). i read a few words about a 'stolen cat' on a board i post on today, and i even laughed uproariously. how can someone steal something someone never attempted to claim? i myself was accused of 'keeping stuff' in this past relationship, which annoys the living shit out of me, since simple communication could have not only alleviated the scenes that severed three friendships, but resulted in a fair and equitable trade of belongings... instead, a family object of mine is missing (among other things) and i'm stuck with a bunch of crap that isn't mine and fills me with useless guilt over something i didn't even do...and all i get in return is 'keep it.'
and, neither wendy nor i have that goddamned 'stamp album,' lol.
i'm not going to keep the stuff, though. when i get it all sorted and out of the mess of storage i have (the thing looks like a meth addict packed it--oh, wait), i'm dropping it on the appropriate doorstep, even if i have to drive two states up to do it. i don't want to ever lay eyes on that part of my past again--it's a foolish person who subjects themselves to hurt repeatedly, as ms shrink says--but i am not going to bear the guilt for something that's been unfairly applied to me, just because someone can't keep their shit together on account of chasing ass. they say a wolf will chew its own leg off to escape what it thinks is a trap...........so, i'm tearing down the fucking chicken coop altogether. and i am returning the leg. never let it be said i want anyone to stay who is willing to do anything to leave.
i might be back to post later. i don't want this to be my only xmas eve post.
so, i'm wrapping presents and introspecting. it's either that or drawl comics about a shape-shifting robot on the run from the evil scientists who created it. who am i fooling? i'd be drawling wolves and bunnies instead.
i've come to accept some things, psyche-wise i mean, that i previously didn't think were mine, because they were either linked with an ex or made in order to please an ex, or just from a time in my life that i felt belonged to an ex. like the overwhelming recurrence of wolves and wolf imagery in my life. what in the hell? the worst business partner i ever had was 'wolfman' to all and sundry. the second worst owned a wolf. the worst, most abusive breakup i ever had was at the hands of someone who thought they were a wolf (with help from someone who delights in hurting others), or at least identified with one to the point of escapism. my current girlfriend's ex bought her so much wolf stuff that we had enough for a yard sale if there were anyone willing to buy anything that goddamn tacky. i was surprised the day she got up out of the blue and started taking down wolf stuff off the wall. i thought she loved all that stuff, i had no idea it was a persona her ex had forced on her, much like the ones i'd had forced on me by many of mine.
i'm learning to let go of the anger from the summer, and the hurt at the base unfairness of being placed in the position of being a jerk when i havent been one (when, in fact, all i ever asked for was to be listened to and respected enough to be kept in the goddamn loop). i read a few words about a 'stolen cat' on a board i post on today, and i even laughed uproariously. how can someone steal something someone never attempted to claim? i myself was accused of 'keeping stuff' in this past relationship, which annoys the living shit out of me, since simple communication could have not only alleviated the scenes that severed three friendships, but resulted in a fair and equitable trade of belongings... instead, a family object of mine is missing (among other things) and i'm stuck with a bunch of crap that isn't mine and fills me with useless guilt over something i didn't even do...and all i get in return is 'keep it.'
and, neither wendy nor i have that goddamned 'stamp album,' lol.
i'm not going to keep the stuff, though. when i get it all sorted and out of the mess of storage i have (the thing looks like a meth addict packed it--oh, wait), i'm dropping it on the appropriate doorstep, even if i have to drive two states up to do it. i don't want to ever lay eyes on that part of my past again--it's a foolish person who subjects themselves to hurt repeatedly, as ms shrink says--but i am not going to bear the guilt for something that's been unfairly applied to me, just because someone can't keep their shit together on account of chasing ass. they say a wolf will chew its own leg off to escape what it thinks is a trap...........so, i'm tearing down the fucking chicken coop altogether. and i am returning the leg. never let it be said i want anyone to stay who is willing to do anything to leave.
i might be back to post later. i don't want this to be my only xmas eve post.
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ags day.
Dec. 18th, 2008 | 01:17 pm
i dont do the same thing every day. i've tried that and it leads to madness. but it pretty much goes like this:
arise and go straight to the computer to wake up with a cigarette and coke. generally no one is allowed to speak to me during this first delicate hour, so that is when they choose to ask me for things no one else can deliver for them. complicated things, that i have to use my brain for.
check my phone and my friend dee to see if i am responsible for anything later in the afternoon, which is when things are planned as morning among humans doesnt exist for me. if i am, i groan a lot and assemble whatever art supplies or clothing is needed and start worrying about some sort of lunch, having procrastinated breakfast.
lunch, usually consisting of anything from sammiches to a can of beanie weenies.
wake up the nurse. while she struggles with consciousness and copes with her first cigarette, i go fix her lunch. fucker just plain won't eat unless i make her take something. if for some reason i dont have time she gets a can of beanie weenies, too. but usually she gets sammiches.
check my work mail and drawl what they tell me to drawl in the emails till i'm done or tired of doing it. scan and send, maybe. if i don't procrastinate it a little.
do a tattoo or something, whatever's planned. if it's atlanta then i have to do stuff like withdrawl cash, find a fabulous outfit (generally my formal wear consists of a black tee shirt and jeans), and call my girl to find out when i have to be at the hospital in the morn to collect her or be collected, depending on who has the car.
either dance or drawl and watch tv till dawn. fuck around on the computer periodically, but not much in comparison.
fall asleep when i drop.
arise and go straight to the computer to wake up with a cigarette and coke. generally no one is allowed to speak to me during this first delicate hour, so that is when they choose to ask me for things no one else can deliver for them. complicated things, that i have to use my brain for.
check my phone and my friend dee to see if i am responsible for anything later in the afternoon, which is when things are planned as morning among humans doesnt exist for me. if i am, i groan a lot and assemble whatever art supplies or clothing is needed and start worrying about some sort of lunch, having procrastinated breakfast.
lunch, usually consisting of anything from sammiches to a can of beanie weenies.
wake up the nurse. while she struggles with consciousness and copes with her first cigarette, i go fix her lunch. fucker just plain won't eat unless i make her take something. if for some reason i dont have time she gets a can of beanie weenies, too. but usually she gets sammiches.
check my work mail and drawl what they tell me to drawl in the emails till i'm done or tired of doing it. scan and send, maybe. if i don't procrastinate it a little.
do a tattoo or something, whatever's planned. if it's atlanta then i have to do stuff like withdrawl cash, find a fabulous outfit (generally my formal wear consists of a black tee shirt and jeans), and call my girl to find out when i have to be at the hospital in the morn to collect her or be collected, depending on who has the car.
either dance or drawl and watch tv till dawn. fuck around on the computer periodically, but not much in comparison.
fall asleep when i drop.
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GOD ITS GOOD TO BE WRITING AGAIN
Dec. 13th, 2008 | 04:54 pm
i don't mean online, either. and i don't mean pages and pages of self-absorbed whiny lesbian angst, all dated religiously, i filled all those books up with when i could have been drawling in them, instead of pouring out drivel about my feeeeeeeeeeelings. man it was fun burning old journals; just like spending a sunday evening with mom again. but, sacrifices had to be made, newness, rebirth, or any of that soul-sloughing never comes free, does it? i depended on someone else to burn my mother's past for me.........my own was my responsibility.
i used to depend on people for my imagination. adulthood left me with absolutely no idea how to go back into my own head; just watch me try to draw and write at the same time and you are left with mostly pity and a little bit of contempt. and the only time i spend in my own head now is to escape from something that scares me but is inevitably tied to me...in other words, i can't control it. you know how when you're a kid, you can spend hours in your own head...at least i could. no one ever bothered me in the ivory tower, anyway, until it was time to eat or bathe or come do tricks for my parent's guests or something. i had no problem sinking myself into imagination for HOURS at a time, until i had trouble distinguishing my own universe from the one i was supposed to move about in.
then all of a sudden i was in my own apartment and imagination was almost a torment alongside the realities of the 'jobs' i found myself in and the situation at large, which was at the same time typical and unique. describing that time in my life later to whatever girlfriend was lying next to me took on a surreal and novelistic quality, and caused a lot of interesting manipulation when it came time for her to deflect (or exascerbate) my insanity, as it always does in the end. how can you tell someone about things that you yourself don't fully remember, unless you remember your dreams relatively well? i found that by telling them at all (and hearing them react), i was able to absorb some of the shock or horror at my 'traumas' that i myself hadn't ever felt, nor couldn't ever feel, apparently. maybe in some way that could validate that THIS had happened to ME.
know what? that's impossible, too.
girlfriends can only feel things for you for so long before they freak out, or start to blame you for your personality in general.
so why react to some things with anguish and pain like one can never feel will go away? why not lock down the emotion like i am obviously able, and cut my losses, exact my revenge or whatever course of action i decide on, and get on with it? why are some things so painful that you can actually pinpoint the physical part of it, and others file neatly away with a shrug and a resigned, if somewhat grim, sigh?
shrinks are assholes. : )
i used to depend on people for my imagination. adulthood left me with absolutely no idea how to go back into my own head; just watch me try to draw and write at the same time and you are left with mostly pity and a little bit of contempt. and the only time i spend in my own head now is to escape from something that scares me but is inevitably tied to me...in other words, i can't control it. you know how when you're a kid, you can spend hours in your own head...at least i could. no one ever bothered me in the ivory tower, anyway, until it was time to eat or bathe or come do tricks for my parent's guests or something. i had no problem sinking myself into imagination for HOURS at a time, until i had trouble distinguishing my own universe from the one i was supposed to move about in.
then all of a sudden i was in my own apartment and imagination was almost a torment alongside the realities of the 'jobs' i found myself in and the situation at large, which was at the same time typical and unique. describing that time in my life later to whatever girlfriend was lying next to me took on a surreal and novelistic quality, and caused a lot of interesting manipulation when it came time for her to deflect (or exascerbate) my insanity, as it always does in the end. how can you tell someone about things that you yourself don't fully remember, unless you remember your dreams relatively well? i found that by telling them at all (and hearing them react), i was able to absorb some of the shock or horror at my 'traumas' that i myself hadn't ever felt, nor couldn't ever feel, apparently. maybe in some way that could validate that THIS had happened to ME.
know what? that's impossible, too.
girlfriends can only feel things for you for so long before they freak out, or start to blame you for your personality in general.
so why react to some things with anguish and pain like one can never feel will go away? why not lock down the emotion like i am obviously able, and cut my losses, exact my revenge or whatever course of action i decide on, and get on with it? why are some things so painful that you can actually pinpoint the physical part of it, and others file neatly away with a shrug and a resigned, if somewhat grim, sigh?
shrinks are assholes. : )
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cheaha
Dec. 13th, 2008 | 03:08 pm
my mountain:
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(no subject)
Dec. 13th, 2008 | 03:04 pm
this is me with my girlfriend................wife, whatever. what do married lesbians call each other?
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relationships
Dec. 13th, 2008 | 02:59 pm
you can call them whatever you want to but they all add up to the same thing--idiocy.
i doubt i will ever catch myself promising 'forever' to anyone, ever again. or even promising them anything for that matter, even my own tiny, black little heart. even believing them when they tell me they might have some sort of affection for me, or think i am groovy, is suspect. how am i supposed to believe they themselves have any iea what's going on in their own mind? i have yet to meet the person (read: LESBIAN) who knows her own mind, much less is open to the experience of interpreting mine.
i've been called a liar and a manipulator so much lately it makes me wonder sometimes if i really am one. if my reality was the one that was wrong, perhaps. i don't think it was, but consider i also used to believe that we could all live happily as anarchists, with no need for law. then again, it's easy to have a differing opinion about what someone says about you when their words aren't specifically aimed at them. say for example when you steal their words, say from example from their email, or their myspace, or anything else one must procure a password for. what password-sneaking idiot thinks they are going to read something they WANT to read? i'm astounded at some people's moronity, even if i already knew they weren't all that bright to begin with.
i've learnt a lot this year. mainly about myself, even though i had help. a lot of help, in some cases. i learned a lot about two women i have been with also...and the people who call themselves 'friends'....and mainly i learned never, never to believe anything anyone says about their own emotions.
all this said, yep, i'm partnered again. it's just too alluring when someone cares if you had anything to eat today or not, or if you're happy, or sad or mad...BEFORE they tell you how you're supposed to be feeling, according to their analysis. i'll write about all that eventually, and the differences between it and every other 'relationship' i have been asked to try with anyone.
i doubt i will ever catch myself promising 'forever' to anyone, ever again. or even promising them anything for that matter, even my own tiny, black little heart. even believing them when they tell me they might have some sort of affection for me, or think i am groovy, is suspect. how am i supposed to believe they themselves have any iea what's going on in their own mind? i have yet to meet the person (read: LESBIAN) who knows her own mind, much less is open to the experience of interpreting mine.
i've been called a liar and a manipulator so much lately it makes me wonder sometimes if i really am one. if my reality was the one that was wrong, perhaps. i don't think it was, but consider i also used to believe that we could all live happily as anarchists, with no need for law. then again, it's easy to have a differing opinion about what someone says about you when their words aren't specifically aimed at them. say for example when you steal their words, say from example from their email, or their myspace, or anything else one must procure a password for. what password-sneaking idiot thinks they are going to read something they WANT to read? i'm astounded at some people's moronity, even if i already knew they weren't all that bright to begin with.
i've learnt a lot this year. mainly about myself, even though i had help. a lot of help, in some cases. i learned a lot about two women i have been with also...and the people who call themselves 'friends'....and mainly i learned never, never to believe anything anyone says about their own emotions.
all this said, yep, i'm partnered again. it's just too alluring when someone cares if you had anything to eat today or not, or if you're happy, or sad or mad...BEFORE they tell you how you're supposed to be feeling, according to their analysis. i'll write about all that eventually, and the differences between it and every other 'relationship' i have been asked to try with anyone.
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lies
Oct. 14th, 2008 | 04:11 pm
i'm not guilty of all the lies i've ever told.
sometimes circumstances require untruths in lieu of losing. sometimes the truth is inconsidered in favor of half of what i am saying, and other times what i am trying to say is replaced by what someone else chooses to interpret. sometimes, the only way a person will allow you to communicate with them is through a lie. all else sends them running into the night screaming what an asshole you are for telling them the truth.
lately i have found there are two different people around me; those who choose to see me as i am, and those who choose to make me into whatever they need in order to heal themselves from whatever it is they might, at the time, need healing from. surprisingly, these people aren't readily obvious; sometimes need comes disguised as emotion, and while plunging oneself up to the elbows into emotion, it becomes impossible to see the need, and therefore the reality, which is nigh unfaceable.
what's most unfortunate is that we ourselves create that which we find unfaceable.
sometimes circumstances require untruths in lieu of losing. sometimes the truth is inconsidered in favor of half of what i am saying, and other times what i am trying to say is replaced by what someone else chooses to interpret. sometimes, the only way a person will allow you to communicate with them is through a lie. all else sends them running into the night screaming what an asshole you are for telling them the truth.
lately i have found there are two different people around me; those who choose to see me as i am, and those who choose to make me into whatever they need in order to heal themselves from whatever it is they might, at the time, need healing from. surprisingly, these people aren't readily obvious; sometimes need comes disguised as emotion, and while plunging oneself up to the elbows into emotion, it becomes impossible to see the need, and therefore the reality, which is nigh unfaceable.
what's most unfortunate is that we ourselves create that which we find unfaceable.
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a taste of the unpublishable
Jul. 4th, 2008 | 05:14 pm
since this story wont be in the first series, and probably wont get published, here's the bunny's big wheel:
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more agnbuny finally scanned
Jul. 4th, 2008 | 05:05 pm
mood: contemplative
not the newest, but what i have on digital.....
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lyrics
Jun. 27th, 2008 | 12:27 am
good song; from jason of course.
CROSS CANADIAN RAGWEED; WALLS OF HUNTSVILLE
Yeah, she always had me, guess she always will.
One day she betrayed me, now I'm rottin' in this cell.
Countin' down the days with this chalk and stone.
Wishin' that that woman wouldn't went and done me wrong.
Had a face just like an angel, a soul just like a beast.
She pulled me in and loved me; she tore me piece by piece.
Yeah, she had it comin', well, I bet you'd do the same.
Now the walls of Huntsville keep me under lock and chain.
Instrumental break.
Had an eye for things a shinin', my pockets were not deep.
She went out a prowlin', lookin' for some fresher meat.
Thought she was clever, I pulled up in the rear.
I pulled out my Old Timer, I cut that boy from ear to ear.
Yeah, she begged me not to do it, said her runnin' days are through.
I said: "I forgive you," as the bullet casings flew.
Satisfaction, it locomotived through my brain.
Now the walls of Huntsville keep me under lock and chain.
Instrumental break.
If I had the chance, I'd do it all again.
'Cause a woman can be evil, twice as much as any man.
Lookin' back, well, I'd do it all the same.
Now the walls of Huntsville keep me under lock and chain.
Now the walls of Huntsville keep me under lock and chain
funny how country music can be so simplistic, yet so thorough.
CROSS CANADIAN RAGWEED; WALLS OF HUNTSVILLE
Yeah, she always had me, guess she always will.
One day she betrayed me, now I'm rottin' in this cell.
Countin' down the days with this chalk and stone.
Wishin' that that woman wouldn't went and done me wrong.
Had a face just like an angel, a soul just like a beast.
She pulled me in and loved me; she tore me piece by piece.
Yeah, she had it comin', well, I bet you'd do the same.
Now the walls of Huntsville keep me under lock and chain.
Instrumental break.
Had an eye for things a shinin', my pockets were not deep.
She went out a prowlin', lookin' for some fresher meat.
Thought she was clever, I pulled up in the rear.
I pulled out my Old Timer, I cut that boy from ear to ear.
Yeah, she begged me not to do it, said her runnin' days are through.
I said: "I forgive you," as the bullet casings flew.
Satisfaction, it locomotived through my brain.
Now the walls of Huntsville keep me under lock and chain.
Instrumental break.
If I had the chance, I'd do it all again.
'Cause a woman can be evil, twice as much as any man.
Lookin' back, well, I'd do it all the same.
Now the walls of Huntsville keep me under lock and chain.
Now the walls of Huntsville keep me under lock and chain
funny how country music can be so simplistic, yet so thorough.